Ponderings Of Guy

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. How about nobody throw stones?

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

I was driving down the road and I saw this hitchiker holding a sign that said "Heaven"...so I hit him. I pretty sure he went there, he looked nice.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was in a bookstore, and I started talking to a French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn't read in two languages.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

I think the end of the cold war is what started global warming.

Too bad you can't get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I have to go door to door and tell everybody I'm someone else.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had 'em rolling in the aisles.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone's garbage, so I made him a real nice racoon costume.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

I wish the first word I had said when I was born was 'quote.' Then before I die, I could say, 'unquote.'

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

Did you ever get an itch on the roof of your mouth that only a gun barrel would scratch?

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

The woman who lives next to me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said "give me all the money in the vault or I'll mark down everything in the store."

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Like my daddy used to say - if worse comes to worst, we're screwed.

There are 3 things that I can't stand: hatred, bigotry and midgets.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

Severed foot is an ultimate stocking stuffer.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

When I can't think of something to write, I often don't write anything. And then I pretend it's a style.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

If trees could scream do you think we would be so cavalier as to cutting them down? Maybe if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Stop anthropomorphizing things. They don't like it.

The two things that matter the most to me: emotional resonance and rocket launchers. Party of Five, a brilliant show, and often made me cry uncontrollably, suffered ultimately from a lack of rocket launchers.

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.

I'm not a control freak - I'm a control enthusiast.

I think a nerd is a person who uses the telephone to talk to other people about telephones. And a computer nerd therefore is somebody who uses a computer in order to use a computer.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, "This is a pillow fight, ahead of time."

Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."

I was staying in Florida at a motel called The Three Palms, run by an older couple, one of whom was missing a hand.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

Why do Ballerinas stand on their tiptoes? Why don't they just get taller women?

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the phrase, 'as pretty as an airport.'

My cousin died, age 19. Stung by a bee - the natural enemy of the tight-rope walker.

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.

Bird angels have 4 wings.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done"

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

I set out in television with one simple goal: to purchase a Russian bride. Didn't work out. Immigration stuff -- it's complicated.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I thought a good way to get people to dig your flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here's the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.

I celebrate Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

No one's going to go see the story of Othello going to get a peaceful divorce.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

I have great faith in fools--self-confidence my friends call it.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going?....Why'd he do that?....Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are...You're denying it right now: "I do not do that...Why is she saying that?....What's she gonna say next?"

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat, but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, "Hey, what's that on you paw?"

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

It is not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

Perl - The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

They say I'm a horrible person, but that just isn't true. I have the heart of a young boy...In a jar on my desk.

I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

I picked up this hitchhiker once. Well, you gotta when you hit 'em.

I am at two with nature.

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats...or skinny.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes evetually. If they die without Christ.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious.

Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us)

My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless - if I'm ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I am going to put pins into all the locations I have traveled to. But first I will have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting... Something's going down. I'm right about this.

Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.

I used to think that the human brain was the single most fascinating thing in the universe. Then I realized what was telling me that.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language... Apache.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

Dennis was a friend of mine. He was killed breaking a wish bone. Nobody knows if it was an accident or a suicide. They didn't know what he was wishing for.

All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific.

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry”

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and Superman away.

I was wondering how my life would have been different if I'd been born one day earlier, and I thought maybe it wouldn't be different at all, except that I'd have asked that question yesterday.

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

The World Wide Web is the only thing I know of whose shortened form "www" takes three times longer to say than what it's short for.

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.

The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

The man who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

E-mail, which sends data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light, has replaced primitive forms of communication such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what they were.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I used to get bummed out when it rained. Then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.

I was standing beside the coffin at a funeral home thinking about my flashlight and its batteries. Then I thought, "Maybe he's not dead... Maybe he's just in the wrong direction!"

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed that they're just as scared of me.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force. 1990-1951

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, "Don't tell your Mother I'm giving you this." I said, it's gonna cost you more than that.

Every fight is a food fight, when you're a cannibal.

My school colors were clear. I told everybody I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.

I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future - just way off to the side.

I once went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $95.

Something tells me that they probably screwed up and named Murphy's Law after the wrong guy.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it. I just added "ish" to every number.

The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, dont put it off.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I bought an iPod. It can hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I am getting an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.

If I had created reality television I would have had a much greater influence, but then I would have had to KILL MYSELF.

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I've never understood log trucks. Sometimes you'll be out on a highway, you'll see two big giant trucks, each loaded up with logs and they pass each other on the highway. I don't understand. I mean, if they need logs over there . . . and they need them over there . . . you'd think a phone call would save a whole lot of trouble . . .

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That's a stupid nick-name. I'm mean my Aunt Bessie.

The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony #9.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

So why can't I get a student discount on my *tuition*?

You don't know what you've got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had - so I got rid of everything.

Mozart tells us what it's like to be human, Beethoven tells us what it's like to be Beethoven and Bach tells us what it's like to be the universe.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.

The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

It should be rock, dynamite-with-a-cuttable-wick, scissors.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab.

I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God -- or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have or of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch -- or a reasonable facsimile.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

Why do writers write? Because it isn't there.

In school they told me practice makes perfect, and then they told me nobody's perfect, so then I stopped practicing.

A while ago I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table having a furious argument over what I considered an odd number.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable, let's prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.

One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem involved in becoming your own father or mother that a broadminded and well-adjusted family can't cope with.

I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.

The hotel shop only had two decent books, and I'd written both of them.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?