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Every fight is a food fight, when you're a cannibal. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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It should be rock, dynamite-with-a-cuttable-wick, scissors. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. How about nobody throw stones? |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, "This is a pillow fight, ahead of time." |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey? |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I used to get bummed out when it rained. Then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I think they named oranges before they named carrots. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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A mobile home with a flat tire is a home. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it. I just added "ish" to every number. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral. |
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1 year 14 weeks ago |
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Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown. |
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1 year 14 weeks ago |
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Taking Woodstock |
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1 year 14 min ago |
