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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs? |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I picked up this hitchhiker once. Well, you gotta when you hit 'em. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes evetually. If they die without Christ. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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My cousin died, age 19. Stung by a bee - the natural enemy of the tight-rope walker. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic". |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless - if I'm ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had 'em rolling in the aisles. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I was staying in Florida at a motel called The Three Palms, run by an older couple, one of whom was missing a hand. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That's a stupid nick-name. I'm mean my Aunt Bessie. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone's... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed that they're just as scared of me. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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I used to think that the human brain was the single most fascinating thing in the universe. Then I realized what was telling me... |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
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Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. |
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51 weeks 3 days ago |
