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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I thought a good way to get people to dig your flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and Superman away. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Too bad you can't get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he'd eat one... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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If trees could scream do you think we would be so cavalier as to cutting them down? Maybe if they screamed all the time for no... |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
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It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing. |
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1 year 24 weeks ago |
