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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I was in a bookstore, and I started talking to a French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn't read in... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future - just way off to the side. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I was wondering how my life would have been different if I'd been born one day earlier, and I thought maybe it wouldn... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I like to skate on the other side of the ice. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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You don't know what you've got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had - so I got rid of everything. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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My school colors were clear. I told everybody I'm not naked, I'm in the band. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I am getting an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I was driving down the road and I saw this hitchiker holding a sign that said "Heaven"...so I hit him. I pretty sure... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I once went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $95. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I was standing beside the coffin at a funeral home thinking about my flashlight and its batteries. Then I thought, "Maybe... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I think the end of the cold war is what started global warming. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Why do Ballerinas stand on their tiptoes? Why don't they just get taller women? |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Bird angels have 4 wings. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, "Don't tell your Mother I'm giving you this."... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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The man who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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The woman who lives next to me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said "give me all the... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I like to leave messages before the beep. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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What's another word for Thesaurus? |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 -... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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On the other hand... You have different fingers. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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What's another word for thesaurus? |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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A while ago I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table having a furious argument over what I considered an odd number. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I wish the first word I had said when I was born was 'quote.' Then before I die, I could say, 'unquote.' |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I have to go door to door and tell everybody I'm someone... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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In school they told me practice makes perfect, and then they told me nobody's perfect, so then I stopped practicing. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Why are the pictures square if the lens is round? |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I bought an iPod. It can hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Dennis was a friend of mine. He was killed breaking a wish bone. Nobody knows if it was an accident or a suicide. They didn... |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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Like my daddy used to say - if worse comes to worst, we're screwed. |
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51 weeks 4 days ago |
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When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator... |
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23 weeks 11 hours ago |
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. |
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23 weeks 11 hours ago |
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Is "tired old cliche" one? |
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23 weeks 11 hours ago |
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I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that... |
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23 weeks 11 hours ago |
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. |
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23 weeks 11 hours ago |
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Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. |
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23 weeks 11 hours ago |
